I have never tried my hands into blogging sincerely. But ,as they say there's always a starting point for everything. And seems like this is the pivotal moment-November 16, 2010 looks like a day which will change it. I am not professional by any means; however I am an avid writer who has an opinion , likes to think out loud and then cares to jot down about how I perceive things around me to be. My writing is my way of expressing myself and as result, everything becomes louder and crisper as I share my words .
I have hard time containing all my emotions within myself, be that of happiness or anguish, hatred or love or could be that of something trivial. So, then free spirited writing is my means of contentment, to embrace my emotions and to be able to speak my mind. So I am happy for making this decision , about taking my passion for writing seriously. Hope, my posts will resonate with you all as well. Cheers to the new beginning!
Monday, November 15, 2010
The day when everything seemed right
I am striding forward. Yes, I certainly am walking. But, it doesn't seem appealing to me. I always walk up and down the same lane- that hearttrending lane every single day and often ponder deeply over the cruelty of nature. The white sheet of snow and pellets of dew drops on a cold December morning seems bizzare and undesirable . At the advent, there's an emptiness inside me. I feel vague and heavy inside. The nature seems to have slapped me tight when a cool breeze hits right across my face and I run out of breath. Seems like an old story and yet another meaningless day of my life have come to and end.
Today, however, I don't feel the same. There's something ecstatic about it. Like every other day I'm walking, I'm leaping forward but my joy knows no bound. I am amazed to see how beautiful everything seems. I take a deep breath as I'm stunned by the fine calligraphy of the nature. . I gasped in surprise"WOW" -as if the mornings now and then was any different. It's overwhelming. I feel lighter and moreover I am glad to have met myself after a long time. I am glad that it all started allover again in a fine December morning- the most perfect morning of my life. When the cool breeze hit my face, I tended to have butterflies down my tummy. It's been ages since i last smiled. I heard someone giggle , and to my surprise it was me .It felt so right. I am no more vague. I've a reason to live. My footsteps aren't heavy anymore. I can live up to my expectations. Life seems easier....Couldn't ask for no more...............
Today, however, I don't feel the same. There's something ecstatic about it. Like every other day I'm walking, I'm leaping forward but my joy knows no bound. I am amazed to see how beautiful everything seems. I take a deep breath as I'm stunned by the fine calligraphy of the nature. . I gasped in surprise"WOW" -as if the mornings now and then was any different. It's overwhelming. I feel lighter and moreover I am glad to have met myself after a long time. I am glad that it all started allover again in a fine December morning- the most perfect morning of my life. When the cool breeze hit my face, I tended to have butterflies down my tummy. It's been ages since i last smiled. I heard someone giggle , and to my surprise it was me .It felt so right. I am no more vague. I've a reason to live. My footsteps aren't heavy anymore. I can live up to my expectations. Life seems easier....Couldn't ask for no more...............
Illusion beyond identity
Sometimes I stand and stare, gaze at myself in the mirror- as i do that I ponder deeply over my image. I am not happy with what I see because a sharp sense of dissatisfaction runs down my spine with dwindling glance of my existence. Deep down inside a questionnaire pops up and coaxes me to think hard. Is it me who's standing in front of the mirror OR is it an alter inside me ????? As i see carefully , i notice that the person i see and the person that i used to be are two different persons. I never was this pale and distressed on the first place, rather had full swing of enthusiasm and faith on myself to make it happen. Morality leaded my life and so was I the slave of moral standards. The culprit behind my transformation is my heart, my emotions i guess.
The deeply entrenched feelings inside me soars up and asks me for begetting my ideals and moreover my identity back. But, as always my heart mis traces my search with desperation and ungovernable distractions. I should be disapproving my heart over my instincts as I move ahead,however, this is where i dawdle. My instincts are leftover with fragility- even the slightest blow of air can sweep away the rigidity of my thoughts .
I feel "I am not me." I am a trespasser trapped within myself . I'm appalling with the loss of my enticing future over a runway of dilemma. I should be focussed to get rid of distractions on my path. Life would be blissful only if my achievements would outnumber the mere hope that my life have been seeking all along.But, I am clinched somewhere in this prejudicial land. I am unable to rely upon my shortcomings for a providing a better option. My heart is heavy and I fear that sky might come crashing all over me. All I'm left is with a big question mark??? DO I EXIST OR AM I A MIRAGE??? I am dubious. All i know is , I'm overwhelmed to predict my identity and in the near future I shall.
(A TRIBUTE TO MYSELF AS LIFE IS A BUMMER AT THE MOMENT.....................)
The deeply entrenched feelings inside me soars up and asks me for begetting my ideals and moreover my identity back. But, as always my heart mis traces my search with desperation and ungovernable distractions. I should be disapproving my heart over my instincts as I move ahead,however, this is where i dawdle. My instincts are leftover with fragility- even the slightest blow of air can sweep away the rigidity of my thoughts .
I feel "I am not me." I am a trespasser trapped within myself . I'm appalling with the loss of my enticing future over a runway of dilemma. I should be focussed to get rid of distractions on my path. Life would be blissful only if my achievements would outnumber the mere hope that my life have been seeking all along.But, I am clinched somewhere in this prejudicial land. I am unable to rely upon my shortcomings for a providing a better option. My heart is heavy and I fear that sky might come crashing all over me. All I'm left is with a big question mark??? DO I EXIST OR AM I A MIRAGE??? I am dubious. All i know is , I'm overwhelmed to predict my identity and in the near future I shall.
(A TRIBUTE TO MYSELF AS LIFE IS A BUMMER AT THE MOMENT.....................)
Prejudice beneath beauty
If I claim I am determined to live a contented life and cherish everything about life as it comes, Am I a criminal? Not much expectations, but evoke warmth from soul mates, Am I erratic? Glance each and every obstacles as a gateway to success and dare to get rid of it in a wink, Am I conceited? Have an air of enthusiasm within myself, and keep my faith high that change is likely to happen, Am I a narcissist?
Well, If concealing is considered to be rejoicing; false laughter the motive to survive; guilty eyes the mode of achievement; falsified gestures and fake qualms and charms are all that matters than life wouldn't be any better. Words like dignity, self esteem, pride, honor, morality would simply be adjectives and shall have no connection with human life. In that case, human life has no meaning at all.Our ideals are suppressed by so called humanitarian act engrossed by filth , filth and only filth. We are being chased from our own identities because we have asked little too much by desiring to live a free life. I really want to laugh aloud when I hear that slavery system is abolished. Is it really???? If yes I don't think so. We are slave of our own kinds because the most superior creature in the world are giving up all the attributes that made us unique. Deep within I still feel we can breakthrough this vicious circle of insanity and selfishness. I really am sorry but I can't be the part of this prejudicial land . If i gather guts to speak my mind and care a damn about this bogus land. Am I psychedelic?
What a shame ! I prefer being referred as psychedelic rather than negotiating with my identity and trying to be prefect me like majority of us. I was created as a human being- the most superior creature on the earth so that my decisions would be purely mine and wouldn't be intervened by any other moron. I further prefer being termed as psychedelic because it is always a better option than compromising with my self esteem, thinkings and desires . If i dare to slap this selfish system and break free- Am I mad?
You have full right to instigate me, as your thoughts and ideas are also gobbled up by so-called humanitarian act . May be I really am mad because I endorse beautiful heart rather than a lucrative appearance. Afterall, "BEAUTY LIES IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER." I , however, appreciate hideous beauty beyond and beneath one's understanding.
Dedicated to falsified humanity..............................................
Well, If concealing is considered to be rejoicing; false laughter the motive to survive; guilty eyes the mode of achievement; falsified gestures and fake qualms and charms are all that matters than life wouldn't be any better. Words like dignity, self esteem, pride, honor, morality would simply be adjectives and shall have no connection with human life. In that case, human life has no meaning at all.Our ideals are suppressed by so called humanitarian act engrossed by filth , filth and only filth. We are being chased from our own identities because we have asked little too much by desiring to live a free life. I really want to laugh aloud when I hear that slavery system is abolished. Is it really???? If yes I don't think so. We are slave of our own kinds because the most superior creature in the world are giving up all the attributes that made us unique. Deep within I still feel we can breakthrough this vicious circle of insanity and selfishness. I really am sorry but I can't be the part of this prejudicial land . If i gather guts to speak my mind and care a damn about this bogus land. Am I psychedelic?
What a shame ! I prefer being referred as psychedelic rather than negotiating with my identity and trying to be prefect me like majority of us. I was created as a human being- the most superior creature on the earth so that my decisions would be purely mine and wouldn't be intervened by any other moron. I further prefer being termed as psychedelic because it is always a better option than compromising with my self esteem, thinkings and desires . If i dare to slap this selfish system and break free- Am I mad?
You have full right to instigate me, as your thoughts and ideas are also gobbled up by so-called humanitarian act . May be I really am mad because I endorse beautiful heart rather than a lucrative appearance. Afterall, "BEAUTY LIES IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER." I , however, appreciate hideous beauty beyond and beneath one's understanding.
Dedicated to falsified humanity..............................................
Seeking an answer
i know i'm losing it.no matter how hard i try i am unable to catch it.like the sand that you try hard to hold but it's all gone in vain.time is moving rapidly and nothing's swift about it.it's killing me comfortably and all i can do is stare at it helplessly.pondering deeply about what went wrong..what was the misfit and how could things get so ugly.it's odd and dull.it has lost it's direction.it is jeopardized .hey life come back to me and stare in my eyes..i'm seeking for an answer that'll change everything from this day forth...will teach me how to move on and do so with pride.what a hassle it has been all along...i'm doomed.pheww
Can I know?
Foreword:
Just wanted to let you know that I am not an avid writer...It's just that I happen to jot down my feelings every now and then...which implies,you can't expect my writing to be immaculate...Who cares though????.... As long as I can flow with my feelings...This piece of writing I am about to share with you is a very special one.....I was amazed to see it at first....Even after all these years my sister happened to save it .....It actually is few verses from a poem written by me almost like 11 years back when I was in grade 6......(smiles....giggles...)...My sister really cracks me up at times...and how thoughtful of me to write a romantic poem as such , when I barely understood what "LOVE" really meant????????(and ofcourse had limited vocabulary).....I really can sense that, memories (specially the good ones) makes life so much worthy .....Reminiscing old days....:-)
Here it goes:
You tried to aspire,
When I got inspired
Your thoughts tried to expire,
When I meant to admire
I, within me, behold the rage of fire
When you are seen to give up your attire
I, long to be the only one and entire,
Because you are my desire and not an ire
What made you satire all that I admired?
What made you expire all that had me inspired?
What made you set bonfire to your entire attire?
Want to be acknowledged that's the only desire.......
(Thanks Baby sister for loving me so much and saving all my stuffs even after all these years.....I love you baby more than anything else in the world........Words aren't enough to justify how I exactly feel about you............You know that I mean it........:-) )
Just wanted to let you know that I am not an avid writer...It's just that I happen to jot down my feelings every now and then...which implies,you can't expect my writing to be immaculate...Who cares though????.... As long as I can flow with my feelings...This piece of writing I am about to share with you is a very special one.....I was amazed to see it at first....Even after all these years my sister happened to save it .....It actually is few verses from a poem written by me almost like 11 years back when I was in grade 6......(smiles....giggles...)...My sister really cracks me up at times...and how thoughtful of me to write a romantic poem as such , when I barely understood what "LOVE" really meant????????(and ofcourse had limited vocabulary).....I really can sense that, memories (specially the good ones) makes life so much worthy .....Reminiscing old days....:-)
Here it goes:
You tried to aspire,
When I got inspired
Your thoughts tried to expire,
When I meant to admire
I, within me, behold the rage of fire
When you are seen to give up your attire
I, long to be the only one and entire,
Because you are my desire and not an ire
What made you satire all that I admired?
What made you expire all that had me inspired?
What made you set bonfire to your entire attire?
Want to be acknowledged that's the only desire.......
(Thanks Baby sister for loving me so much and saving all my stuffs even after all these years.....I love you baby more than anything else in the world........Words aren't enough to justify how I exactly feel about you............You know that I mean it........:-) )
Life
you can hunt me down anytime....make me fall apart...break me into pieces...shatter every bit of happiness that I behold within me...take me for granted......make me feel that i am "INVISIBLE"...Life you can go ahead and do all that's in your hand to make me helpless by all means.....Take the sunshine away, Take away my hope, take my aspirations away but let me tell you, you are not taking my integrity away.....I am ready to solve your riddle at any time .....Despair, anguish, turbulence, rage, misery: that's what you've chosen for me , one way or the other but I won't let you decide what I want from life....I know I feel low, I cry over petty things, i frown when you ravage my happiness, but in the end of the day , I am the winner.....You crash me down, and here i cry over spilt milk , wipe away my tears and promise never to look back and cry over it ever again. You take me down...i am lost in despair...yet again i manage to accept that it's okay...i feel it's my wake up call...hold my head high and stride forward from not again to never again....never again to let you take me down......It's not that I hate you...I love you for giving me my family, making me who I am but at the same time, I am not your favorite ones...You love laughing at me...and making me go through nuisances that means nothing yet scares me from within......I don't know why isn't life any easier on me????but i know that I will strive no matter what.From nowhere to somewhere I will make my way....It's just that I haven't had any conversations with you for a while...so i felt this urge to talk to you and make you realize that you are giving me much more than I can handle....so please slow down....I assure you I will fulfill all your demands but let me take baby steps.....Life, hope that makes sense to you now.....
In despair........:(:(
In despair........:(:(
Remorse...............???????????????
Laying on my bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, completely unaware of "What's going on?"- I realize nothing is as soothing as peace of mind. Ahh! peace of mind, I exclaim to myself. Who wouldn't love to lay down peacefully- entirely content with self and others. BUT as Newton's third law states"TO EVERY ACTION THERE IS EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REACTION",there certainly is something that debilitates the state of peace of mind. The culprit as it seems , the driving force as I call it would be "Guilt". Intimidated?Scornful?Devastated?Agitated?Battered?-it could be the state of your mind or mine-not at all times but certainly at majority of times. We might have ignored it in all the possible ways or at least tried."I am bad or I did bad which is why I am guilty"-if anybody says so I see it as an understatement.Guilt isn't something you experience just because you didn't do something righteous.Simply not. For instance,you being betrayed by someone close OR you betraying someone else has identical feel to it.Spare some time and think about it, you will get an answer loud and clear. And that's what I am talking about. "I am guilty not just because I am not right all the time but also because someone else I think should be right isn't right at all times." Guilt has sowed its seed-Nothing is picture perfect as it seems. Guilt can drive us to misery but we have always ignored it taking us out from misery. Confused?-let me explain. "I feel I don't deserve you because I haven't done everything in your best interest,I have violated your rules to the extent that I can't face my own image.What a shame I am to myself!- I am guilty more than you can ever imagine. Likewise, " I shouldn't have trusted you in the first place, How could you be so ignorant? i hate myself for loving and trusting you . I have made a complete fool out of myself. I am guilty more than you can ever imagine for letting you take me down." However, whatsoever, whenever and wherever guilt has served it's purpose which is to confront you with the real you, no matter how bitter the truth is. A stitch in time saves nine is a perfect catchphrase in this case. Misery like other emotions doesn't stay with your forever, after all you have to move on. You move on but with better and refined you. Guilt within you has subsided the evil within you or has unmasked the evil within others. So,I admit that I feel guilty for not being as spontaneous as my favorite Wall street journal writers or not as imaginative as my favorite novelists. But, that won't stop me from jotting down my feelings, how frivolous it may appear in front of you. With this guilt enclosed within me, I might get better at my writing skills someday. So, being guilty isn't that bad. As much as you would hate to confront it, i would love to embrace it. After all it's all about understanding "GUILTY PLEASURE."
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